The Agent Provocateur
by Sinclairum
Summary: "You can't just go to the Ministry and holler about missing underwear!" HPDM Drarry Post Deathly Hallows disregarding epilogue. Sneaky Slytherins and shenanigans. Rated M for sexual themes.


**A/N:** So I couldn't sleep. And then this happened. And...not sure if i regret it...

Warning: The following story contains mild to beginnings of heavy slash [depending on what you're used to reading]. Since has that new restriction on MA rated things, I've been sort of avoiding it.

I've give you ample warning, so please don't keep reading if you KNOW you're going to hate it already. Flames are only conducive when roasting.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or the Scissor Sisters or the Agent Provocateur brand name.

**Since it was really hard to try and explain 'Agent Provocateur' inside the fic, it's basically a really expensive lingerie brand that usually only do women's undergarments. It could be considered one of the most expensive lingerie companies in the world. [Don't ask me why I know this.]**

* * *

Green eyes contrasted sharply with the blushing red visage they were set upon and Draco could not help but admire the sparkle in them, despite how murderous they looked in this current moment. He would have loved to sit down and revere Harry's beauty, make poetry of the sinuous movement, capture the pure emotion upon the handsome face or to just ravish him on the spot, but he found it very hard to focus when the object of his affections was stalking him like a lion, starving for answers.

"What, pray tell, my _dear_ husband are these photos of and _what_ were they doing below the mattress?" Harry stated calmly, brandishing the photos like a lethal weapon under Draco's nose, whose gray eyes went cross-eyed trying to focus upon the black and white image upon it. _How the hell can he even move in that position? I appreciate it a lot during sex but seriously that should not be humanly possib-_

"_Talk_, Mr. Draco Lucius Malfoy." Harry's voice cut sharply into his wandering thoughts. Draco was starting to slightly regret taking those photos of Harry engaging in the act of yoga with nothing but underwear on, but like a true Slytherin he was never one to miss an opportunity when provided. He answered quickly and smoothly when Harry began to back him against the wall. Death by papercuts would be a very painful and slow way to go.

"Well, _lover_," Draco purred, attempting to placate his rather unhappy husband. He gently grasped the tense wrist and placed a gently kiss on the sensitive underside, keeping his eyes trained upon the emerald. "Those photos were my secret commemoration to the beauty of you and the _Agent Provocateur_ lingerie that I had especially commissioned for you. Do you remember them? I went through a lot of trouble to get them for you."

_Thousands of pounds._

_A large amount of not-so-legal compulsion charms._

"Yes I remember them." Green eyes softened as Harry remembered the rather ridiculously extravagant and embarrassing anniversary present, and Draco neared another step, sensing the weakening ire like a snake that senses the tiring of a mouse. For some reason, Harry had always been rather easily distracted by the prospect of sex. _Thank Merlin for small mercies. _

"The handmade black lace?" Draco purred, the other hand curling around the nape of Harry's neck, searing it with intense heat. Harry's head tilted backwards as his eyes glossed over slightly and butterfly kisses trailed up his throat. The other hand trailed a finger over Harry's hipbone and soft lips breathed over the other pair. "That went over your hips so beautifully."

"..Mhmm…"

"The sheer chiffon?"

"Yes…"

"I remember I had to search _everywhere_ until I finally found someone willing to commission a world first male_ Agent Provocateur _piece_. _That night was one to remember, wasn't it? Didn't it feel _good _though when you slipped it on?" Draco smiled smugly as his hand slipped down to pry his precious pictures out of Harry's hold.

Draco was startled when two arms encircled around his neck and a mischievous smirk greeted his own. "Have I mentioned that I have to attend the International Confederation of Warlocks in Egypt, next month? With Dumbledore's death, there is no British representative and by an almost unanimous vote, I am to go."

The smile immediately disappeared from Draco's face and he squished Harry's face between his palms. "For how long?"

"The entire month."

"The entire month," Draco repeated dully until the true implications settled in and he squeezed Harry's face even more. "No sex for an _entire_ month!?"

"Is that _really_ the part you should be focusing on?" Harry commented, crossing his arms, brows furrowing and eyes flashing dangerously. "Merlin, what a bloody wanker, you are."

"That is _precisely_ what I'm aiming to avoid."

"You know, just for that, I'm confiscating these while I decide on a suitable punishment," Harry snapped, whacking the photos against Draco's forehead who quickly swept back the loosened locks and glared at him through his fingers.

"No sex for an _entire_ month and no_ wank material_!? That's not already a punishment!?"

"You took these without my permission and goodness knows how the press would explode if they managed to get a hold of these. I am holding the position as interim Minister, I'm sure you and your Slytherin mind could work out the potential backlash."

A holly wand was rapped sharply against his precious photos and Draco watched his dismay as they disappeared to Merlin knows where. Harry pressed a triumphant kiss against pursed lips and danced away further into the loft, leaving the stunned blond sitting on the bed. "I banished them to my Gringotts vault, you'll never get them now! By the way, I'm still deciding on your punishment," was the final, teasing call.

Once he was sure Harry was no longer going to re-enter the bedroom [judging by the hollering of 'I Can't Decide' from the shower], he swiftly reached under the bed and brought out the package that his husband had mercifully missed. Tossing it up and down in one hand, he stood up and surveyed the room as if seeing it for the first time again. _Now where would be a good place to put this...?_

He winced though as he managed to discern the lyrics above the smattering of water.

_Oh I could throw you in the lake,_

_Or feed you poisoned birthday cake._

_I won't deny, I'm gonna miss you when you're gone._

_Oh I could bury you alive,_

_But you might crawl out with a knife_

_And kill me when I'm sleeping._

_That's why_

_I can't decide,_

_Whether you should live or die._

_Oh you'll probably go to heaven._

_Don't you hang your head and cry._

Draco wondered if he should be worried.

* * *

Over the next few days, radio silence seemed to have been employed. Harry appeared to be quietly determining a punishment suitable for the intrusion of his privacy and the potential catastrophe it would have unleashed, to get it through Draco's thick head. While Draco was worried about the length of time that his husband was taking to determine the outcome, he stayed silent as to not incur the raven-haired man's potential fury by asking for the pictures. From painful experience, he knew no amount of beguiling, bargaining or begging would break Harry's stubbornness.

Until just a few days before Harry's due departure date was there a roar of displeasure from the bedroom.

"HARRY!"

Draco heard the clattering pots and pans before Harry appeared in the doorway, panting and panicked with his wand held aloft. "What's wrong? What's happening?!"

He looked up at Harry darkly through the strands of his un-gelled hair, elbow deep in their shared underwear drawer and barely managed to growl, "Where is it?"

Harry frowned and leant against the doorframe, all at the same time struggling not laugh at the image of his severely ruffled husband. "Seriously? Draco, you know they're in my vault. Don't ask me about them again."

"Not the photos! The actual thing! The underwear! The lace! The chiffon! _The extremely expensive Agent Provocateur._"

"It's not the drawer?"

"I know that you don't want me getting a hold of those pictures with you in them but this is ridiculous! _Where is it!?_" Draco snarled in frustration, frantically digging into their shared underwear drawer and searching for the familiar seductive black lacy lingerie. "If I can't have those damn photos, then by Merlin am I at least holding that pair while I wank!"

"Calm down, Draco! I swear I don't have them!"

Harry gulped as he spied his lover stalking towards him with a feral grin and dangerous excitement in his eyes. Unable to move under the heated gaze, he squeaked in mild terror when the suddenly husky voice rumbled into his ear and directly to his crotch. Two large roaming hands seared Harry's flesh as they began inching downwards towards the top of his pants. Just as Draco had a weakness for Harry's eyes and blush, Harry had a weakness for Draco's hands and voice which he liked to utilise at every given chance.

"Are you wearing them, love?" Draco purred, slipping his fingers down further inch by inch until they froze upon the bare flesh, and paid no attention to the redness that had suddenly bloomed across Harry's cheeks and nose. "No. You're not. You're not wearing any underwear at all!"

What would normally be a cause of jubilation and usually a consequential sex marathon, brought nothing more than a furious growl from the blonde man as he ripped his hands away from Harry's nether regions and threw them into the air. "_Where is that blasted Agent Provocateur!?"_

Still blushing furiously, Harry bravely grabbed Draco's face, as if he had not been a man groped thoroughly in his pants and walked away from, he spoke firmly, "I'm sure it's just lying somewhere around the house. _Relax_. Did you try Accio-ing them?"

Icy gray eyes glared at him and Draco's large hands flew up grasp Harry's head in return. "Of course I did! It. Is. A. One-of-a-kind. _Agent. Provocateur_. You do not just leave them. Lying. Around. _We've been burgled, Harry. _I'M CALLING THE AURORS!"

"_What!_" Harry's blush reappeared in full strength and he wheeled a stalking Draco around to face him once more. "You are _not_ calling the Aurors about this! Seriously, for Merlin's sake calm down."

"No I will not! Those pair of briefs cost me a fortune, Harry. I got them specially done for _you _and _only_ you, I will not have some random miscreant spoiling those by robbing their filthy cock over them, or worse, masturbating to the thoughts of _you_."

Harry looked a little green at the thought but fought down the rising bile and fixed a calming smile on his face. "We have wards around every inch inch of our home, only barring the Fidelus! There is no way someone could've come and stolen...Really what would someone even want with a man's underwear? I hardly think they would've known the value of it."

"That just makes it worse! That makes it a crime of PASSION."

"I really doubt-"

"I will employ every Auror available on this case-"

"_You can't just go to the Ministry and holler about missing underwear!"_

Draco raised an eyebrow and gave a scathing reply, dripping with the famous Malfoy scorn, refined from generations. "Malfoys do not _holler_. I will go to the Ministry's DMLE and _demand_ assistance. Someone managed to break through our wards and into our house. There's your _real_ invasion of privacy!"

And with that final word, he stalked towards the fireplace and disappeared into the green flames, leaving his embarassed and stressed husband behind.

* * *

"Draco, your blasted Aurors are here," Harry yelled over his shoulder when he noticed the green flames erupt from the fireplace. Draco looked up from his vantage point on top of the underwear drawer and carefully stuck his head out of the bedroom doorway to see two men with plum-coloured robes being spewed violently out of the Floo. It had taken him a long while to create the hex that would cause the fireplace to only forcibly expel Gryffindors onto the fireplace floor but, he thought as he watched the groaning purple pile, it had been well worth it.

"Blimey Harry, what is wrong with your Floo? Roughest landing I've ever had," a voice commented amidst the crumpled forms.

"Dean? Seamus? What are you doing here? Oh, don't tell me Draco-"

"Told us that the great Harry Potter was in dire need of assistance to retrieve his missing underwear? Course not," Dean cut in with grin while helping a moaning Seamus off the ground having been unfortunate enough to go through the Floo first. Harry groaned but was thankful it wasn't the entire Auror department that Draco had set out to employ.

"Your Floo is a bloody menace, I should inform the Ministry," Seamus managed to cough out but managed a smile when Harry walked over to give them both a hug. "How you been, Harry?"

Draco stalked forwards and pulled his husband back into his arms before he'd even gotten a chance to touch the other Gryffindors. "I'm sorry to cut in this lovely sentimental drivel, but as I remember it you are both here to investigate."

"Still a tosser then Malfoy?" Seamus asked.

"Does the sun still shine out of your arse?" Draco snapped.

"You'd think shagging Harry would've mellowed him out, wouldn't you?" Dean said while Draco looked down at Harry, just daring for him to bring up the involuntary abstinence that was about to commence over the next month. "Maybe he's not getting any."

The blond froze and stared at Dean, envisioning a thousand and one scenarios that ended with one, Dean Thomas' death. Seeing Draco's face about to darken even further and descend into the wonderful throes of evil plotting, Harry quickly interjected, "So what exactly is going to happen?"

"Well, we'll start off with the usual investigation. Checking your wards, your Floo and running some diagnostic spells for recent magical signatures, etc etc. You know, the usual and the we'll let you the result."

Dean conjured two clipboards and handed one to Seamus. "You'd best just stay put so you don't accidentally interfere with the magic, the spells are quite sensitive. Harry, make sure you tame Malfoy alright?"

Draco watched the Gryffindors carefully and sat down heavily on the couch, pulling a resisting Harry into his lap and resorted to several hours of sitting. "Well what are you waiting for, get to work, peasants!"

"You can't call my friends, peasants!" Harry cried indignantly. Draco squeezed his arms around the man like a stubborn octopus and rested his head on the hard shoulder with a great huff.

"Say that to me again when I haven't potentially lost thousands of pounds and about to embark on the my temporary celibacy."

* * *

"Well everything looks about in order at home, so I'm afraid we'll have to expand our search further outwards," Dean said, twirling his wand nervously as he regarded Draco's haggard expression. Sitting on the couch for several hours had been a severely boring experience even with the novelty of finding as many ways possible to make Harry squeal.

"Since there's no magical disturbance at your place, we're going to have to start looking physically as well. Do you have any documentation of the...article in question?" Seamus asked, sniggering slightly at the word 'article' and hiding his face behind his clipboard.

Harry lit up again like a tree on Christmas as he started to splutter an answer. "Well, uh...you see-"

"There _are_ photos, per say, but they're currently not available," Draco cut in, ignoring the sounds of Harry's throat strangling itself and ran his fingers through the black hair soothingly. _MY photos._ _In a goblin and dragon fortified vault only accessible by a single person_.

Dean's face fell at the interruption and managed an odd expression that was halfway between extremely amused and severely uncomfortable, "Oh, well, we _really_ can't do anything about the situation if we don't even know what it's supposed to look like. I mean we'll try really hard but it's sort of a tall order-"

"FINE."

Everyone froze and looked at Harry in surprise, who merely flicked his wand and conjured the images into his palm. Draco fixated his gaze onto the photos like a predator and watched Harry reluctantly displayed it to the Aurors in what seemed like slow motion.

"WHOA," both men exclaimed in excitement and disbelief as they bought their heads together to stare at the incriminating photos. Hungrily, they snatched them out of Harry's limp grip and Draco absentmindedly tugged his husband into his arms to comfort him. In reality, he was extremely proud of the photos, a testament to his photographic skill and his lover's beautiful glory.

"What the hell are you doing in these, Harry?"

Harry gave a small muffled reply from behind his fingers, "Sometimes I stretch and do some yoga moves if I know Draco's going to be a bit rough that day...you know so it doesn't hurt as much later on..."

Dean and Seamus tilted their head to the side in tandem, studying the photos like they were instructions. "How the hell can one even get in that position?" With a mutual wince, they tilted their heads to the other side and squinted.

"Is that the lingerie that's missing?"

"Shit, I can see why Malfoy wants it back so badly."

"Must've cost a fortune."

"Yeah, I've never seen lace briefs before. Custom made I bet."

"Merlin, that's hot Harry."

"This is like porn. Really, really good porn."

"This is _better_ than porn."

"It's not porn!" Harry exclaimed from behind Draco's shoulder, which he had long since retreated behind to.

All three men turned around to stare at Harry.

"Harry, if it's giving me a hard-on, it's porn," Seamus said bluntly.

Draco cleared his throat in the ensuing awkward silence. "I believe, gentlemen, that you've had enough time ogling my husband and his brilliant backside. As brilliant as it is, I should be the only to see it."

"Right, give them back to me please," Harry begged and rushed forward, so red that it was a feat in itself that he hadn't fainted with all the blood rushing to his head.

"Ah, sorry Harry," Dean said, beginning to pass the photos in Harry's direction before suddenly about turning and placing them none too gently into Draco's waiting hand who resisted the urge to do a victory dance.

"What-?" came the faint, bewildered question before Draco suddenly found his arms full of snarling, spitting green-eyed human. "You SLYTHERIN."

"Knowing how you sometimes equate Slytherin with 'slimy bastard' that is _not_ a compliment," Draco said as he frowned down at him and hurriedly vanished the photos, making copies of the copies for good measure this time.

Dean and Seamus both happily plucked the pouches full of galleons out of the air as it was hurled at their faces. "Sorry Harry, but between seeing sexy photos and getting money out of it in comparison to sitting at the office all day..."

"Sexy photos wins out every time."

"Occur often, does it?" Harry gritted out, suddenly whipping out his wand only to find that Draco had already smugly spirited the photos away somewhere. Not knowing who to hex first, he teetered on the balls of his feet, swaying back and forth in a manner that Draco found mildly disturbing. And sexy.

"More than you know," Seamus supplied happily. Dean had the sense to start backing away towards the fireplace after seeing Draco's subtle warning signal. A silently mouthed 'Panic now'.

"Really, then as interim Minister, looking after the welfare of my employers is a first rate priority," Harry hissed, embodying a green eyed viper as he glided forward. "Please inform Kingsley that I'll be seeing him the very next day. We will THOROUGHLY discuss how the department is to be run."

"Great, look what you've done you prat," Dean hissed and they both hurriedly retreated into the fireplace once more with the image of a furious and red Harry Potter and Malfoy waving lazily from behind his back imprinted in their mind.

As soon as the two Aurors had left, Harry turned his sights to the remaining obnoxiously happy target. "You devious-"

"Thank you."

"SHUT UP," Harry roared, sparks flying out the end of his holly wand and singing the carpet rather close to Draco's bare feet. "You're a cunning bastard I'll give you that. I'm really not sure why I didn't see this coming-"

"You really should have, especially considering how long you've known-"

"SHUT. UP. Where is the actual _Agent Provocateur_?" Harry asked, resting the point of his wand directly between Draco's eyes, digging in with a slight force that conveyed his restrained fury. At the lack of an immediate answer, Harry placed his hand flat against the chest before him and pushed him roughly into the wall with a grunt. "So help me Merlin, if you don't tell me where they are _right now_-!"

The blond man smiled at his counterpart, lifting a hand to brush the black hairs away and leaned forward to whisper into the delicate ear. Harry shivered as the soft lips brushed his sensitive lobe but froze at the words that fell across the air with a sensuous lilt. _Thank Merlin for the easily distracted._

"_I'm wearing them."_

"You what," Harry choked out, looking down Draco's body and straight at the denim covered crotch. Draco plucked the holly wand out of shuddering fingers and threw it off to the side. He pressed his lips against lightly part ones with a soft moan and guided Harry's empty hands down his torso and onto the openings of his pants.

"I'm wearing them, Harry," he repeated into the fleeting kiss, eyes drilling into the dilated ones staring at him in return. "Want to see?"

Hearing a small desire filled groan and seeing the desperation peering up at him through shuttered lashes, Draco took that as a 'Yes' and led him back into the bedroom, pushing his stunned husband onto the sheets and a kiss on the edge of his jaw. "You'll have to do the work if you want to see, love."

Harry stared up at him for a split second before scrabbling to undo the belt buckle in such a frenzy that his hands shook with the effort. Draco chuckled as he was roughly jerked around at his hips when Harry became increasingly impatient. WIth a final rough jerk, he finally managed to lower the jeans to his thighs. Gray eyes watched in amusement at the visible movement of the adam apple before Harry showed him the most terrible and sweet expression he'd ever seen.

"You know what, I'd rather see them on you," Draco purred, stripping Harry of his clothes quickly and tossing them haphazardly. Running his palms over the supple flesh as it was revealed to him, he sighed litanies of devotion against Harry's skin. Slipping off the _Agent Provocateur _off himself, he began to slide it back up Harry, palms flat against the sides of the legs, letting him feel the sensation of lace and chiffon float over the stiffening cock. Under Draco's gaze which documented every breathy sigh, every groan and every writhe, Harry bought the back of his hand to his eyes, afraid to look down at himself once the lacy sides settled properly upon his hips.

"Well, aren't you beautiful? I love the way your skin shines in this light."

He stroked Harry through the fabric gently and lovingly.

"I love how you sound when I touch you in all the right places."

Draco trailed his fingers down Harry's cheek.

"And I will show you how much I love you in every way possible, to make up for the month that we'll have to be apart."

Harry whimpered and Draco leans down to press more reverent kisses to the beauty underneath him. Deeming Harry suitably distracted, Draco slipped out his wand from under the pillow and aims it over his back towards a specialised Muggle video camera hidden on the bedroom drawer.

Draco smirked as he saw the red light of the camera blink on in the reflection beside him and stared back down in satisfaction at the man he loved so devoutly.

_Just for insurance._

* * *

**A/N:** Wow, I'm a menace to when I write when I can't sleep. I should really just stop...it's 3am now. But this was a good learning experience for me, I have discovered that writing from a point of view that isn't completely Harry's is very difficult and stressful for me. Practice makes perfect though so I hope you'll put up with me in the meantime!

I wanted to include a scene where Harry discovers the tape but it's labelled "Wedding tapes" and shenanigans happen, but i'm REALLY too tired to do that. Maybe i'll figure it out later! [This was unbeta-ed, spot any mistakes and feel free to let me know.]

Please leave a review! They're like coffee and candy and chocolate all mixed in this giant bowl of sugar crystals. [God i'm weird at 3am.]


End file.
